Why am I the only one who knows how to drive?

Well? Actually, don't answer that question.

I will tell you why. If only others could drive even half as well as I do, then maybe, just maybe, I wouldn't get so homicidal behind the wheel of my car.

I'm a mild-mannered person. I think I'm pretty polite and I'd say that I get along with most people I meet. I hate to offend people or hurt their feelings in any way. In fact I go out of way to smooth things over usually.

All bets are off when I'm behind the wheel of a car, though. An alter-ego I fondly refer to as Mega-Bitch rears her ugly head.

When Mega-Bitch is in charge, I take no responsibility for what goes down. For your safety and those of all others within a 35-mile radius at the time you may come into contact with the wrath of MB, please obey the following rules of the road:

- There's almost never a reason to go under the speed limit.

- If for some reason you can't follow the aforementioned rule, pull it over, let the normal drivers pass, then get back to putzing along. Resume putzing until another person traveling at a normal, above-the-posted-speed-limit drive comes along. Then pull it over again!

- If you know the lane you're in is ending, get over! Don't try to get as far as you possibly can in the ending lane before you even make an attempt. Don't go flying up the dwindling lane expecting me to let you in when I've been waiting patiently. I will do what I always do to these self-centered, inconsiderate drivers - I will look right at you, right in your eyes, and shake my head- "No." Nope! No, I'm not letting you in!

- Your turn signal is just that. A signal. That you will be turning. It is not a turn indicator, that you flip on whilst mid-turn, or once you're already halfway in my lane. We already know by that time, and you're already broadsiding me at that point as well.

- Do not tailgate me if I'm tailgating the person in front of me. I won't chastise tailgaters - sometimes I feel that it can be justified (see above rule about driving under the speed limit). But if you know that I'm not the offender, that I'm just in a long line of putzers, another mere victim of the lead putzer, there's no reason to ride my rear. What is that going to accomplish?? I can't go faster. We're in this hellacious trap together, man!!

- There is never a reason to brake on the highway. Unless an animal runs out in front of you. Yes cats count.

- Don't park like a jerk. If you're all up on the white line of one side of the parking space, take two seconds (literally!), back up, and straighten out. You're just starting a vicious cycle when you pull crap like that. Next thing you know, someone is going to need to park in the spot next to you, but - understandably - they want to give you a little space because if you're going to hug the white line like that, there's no telling the reckless abandon with which you fling open the car doors. So they park crooked. Then the car next to them - they park all cockeyed too. All because you couldn't spare a few seconds to make yourself look like you weren't drunk when you parked.

On a related note, do not even get me started on those people who purposely take up two parking spots, positioning their car right in the very middle. What makes you so freaking special?

I could go on, but I think I better stop now. I can already feel myself getting riled up and it's too late in the evening for that.