Neti-Update

Because I know you have all been on the edges of your seats, wondering, "how is the neti-pot going for Lauren now???" I chronicled my initial neti-journeys a few weeks ago and with that, I got you hooked. You've probably been checking this blog daily, no several times a day, hoping and praying for neti-news.

Ask and ye shall receive.

In my excitement over my new "toy," I might have been a little carried away. I lamented in my earlier blog post that when I used my neti-pot, the water sometimes ran into my mouth, rather than smoothly in one nostril and out the other. I now believe this is because I was pouring the water out of my neti-pot too quickly. There was nowhere for the deluge to go, but out my mouth. After a little trial and error I learned the perfect technique. I still believe that my nasal passages are smaller/narrower than normal, so I need to apply an even lighter hand than most when using my neti-pot.

So now I've got the neti-pot down to a fine art. I could teach lessons, really...

Oh, the irony (of the Amish)

The irony of the following story was lost on me when it originally happened, but when I visited my parents' house for the holidays I finally caught on. And laughed.

When my family moved from Arizona to Pennsylvania, we downsized pretty significantly. Additionally, the theme of our home decoration style in AZ was very southwestern, which really wasn't appropriate in central PA.

So during the cross-country move we packed up many of our goods, but left behind furniture and most of our home decor.

When we arrived in PA, ready to redecorate, we were disappointed by the lack of shopping options. It was before the time of Ikea, but that was no matter - our options were Wal-Mart and... well, just Wal-Mart.

We were good sports about moving to the sticks, but we weren't about to furnish our new home in tacky roll-back home goods. Somehow we got a tip on a great source for an entertainment center for our living room - the Amish.

What do the Amish know about TV entertainment centers?? Well, we entrusted an older Amish gentleman (I don't remember his name so let's just call him "Weird Al") to construct a lovely wooden masterpiece to house our television, VCR (this was before the days of DVD players), stereo and tapes/cassettes/CDs/etc. And even though that was almost 18 years ago, the entertainment center is still going strong, proudly displayed in my parents' living room.

Weird Al was definitely very Amish, but I also think he was a cheater. I mean technically, he didn't have a telephone. But how were we supposed to get in touch with him, just show up at his house every time we had a question? No, Al used the phone belonging to his non-Amish neighbor. He did so on the regular; it was more or less Al's "home office."

Weird Al also had to, on several occasions, visit our house to take measurements. I really wanted him to arrive in his horse-drawn buggy, but no, Al went over to his neighbor's crib and called my Dad to come pick him up. In his car.

So let me get this straight, Weird Al - YOU can't drive a car, but you can get someone else to drive you around riding shotty? I am very certain that if this area of PA would have been urban enough to have cabs, Al would have had one on speed dial. On the neighbor's phone, of course.

My Neti-Pot Has Taught Me A Lot About Myself

Mainly that what I've always assumed is correct - I have very small and mostly non-functional nostrils.

Here's how I always knew this-

1. I have a poor sense of smell. You know when you're in a car with a few other people and all the sudden, all at once everyone says "ewww" and plugs their noses because you just came upon a skunk? I'm the special one who is sitting there completely oblivious. Didn't notice. If I try hard, I can detect a scent much fainter than reality.

2. By nature I'm a mouth-breather. I'll often catch myself, mouth agape. It's not just if I have a cold; it's a lifestyle.

And these two go hand-in-hand because, you guessed it, my nose doesn't work right. Mouth-breathing is just a more efficient way for me to get air. And it's not just the roadkill I can't smell, it's also the fresh-baked cookies, the Christmas tree, perfume or cologne.

If I breathe in really sharply through my nose, only my left nostril will collapse, indicating that it is bringing in air. My right nostril is almost completely non-functional - it will remain normal, round, totally unaware of the breathing goal, and there will be NO air intake on that side. It was funny the first few times I noticed this, now I worry there is some kind of blockage in there. In my mind, my left lung is normal but my right lung is shriveled up because no air enters on that side.

But the neti-pot doesn't lie. For those not familiar, I present this: http://www.himalayaninstitute.org/netipot/netipotgateway.aspx

(watch the video and thank me later)

The water goes out the neti-pot spout, into one nostril, then streams effortlessly out the other, carrying allergens and debris with it. Except when I use it.

When I use the neti-pot the water sputters and slowly dribbles out the other nostril, a couple drops at a time. Oh, but the first time used it (and still if I'm not careful) the water will actually come out my mouth. The water can't even find its way through my non-existent nasal passages! It's worse when the neti-pot is pouring into the left nostril and out of the right. That right side is just a little slow.

I'm hoping that with repeated and consistent use of my neti-pot I'll be able to "stretch" my nostrils to normal size. Before you know it I'll be able to breathe in with my mouth closed AND I'll be able to smell skunks! I can't wait.