30 Year's Resolutions

Most people wait until Jan. 1 to make their official resolutions, but tomorrow I turn 30 so I figure now is a good time to make a few declarations regarding some changes I'd like to make in my life.

1. Wear sunscreen daily. No tanning beds (not really my thing anyway) and no sunbathing with SPF 4. Not only will those rays make you look older, but they are downright dangerous. A friend just lost her husband (only 33 years-old) to melanoma and I spent way too many days in the sun (sans-'screen) in AZ as a youngster. Must repent.

2. To go along with the above, see my doctors regularly. Dermatologist to check moles. Dentist (holding out for new insurance after the new year - after that, I mean business). I try to be tough most of the time but there is much that can be prevented - or at the least, nipped in the bud - by being proactive about health and seeing a professional.

3. Back to vanity... use under-eye cream daily. As a child, I was the only toddler with bags under my eyes. I've always had dark under-eye circles as well - I am surprised that no one called social services on my parents with suspicions that they were abusing me. I had what looked to be two distinct shiners. But the puffiness and darkness is dramatically improved when I use a little eye cream with cucumber or another cooling, soothing ingredient. If I actually use it regularly, I can create the illusion that I've slept more than 10 hours in the past week...

4. Be better, and smarter, about taking my vitamins regularly and as directed. What do I need and what is unnecessary (or even dangerous)? Are there special instructions for how or when I should take it for the vitamin to be most effective?

5. Dress smarter. I have a LOT of clothes. I don't wear most of them, but they take up space in my closet, drawers, dressers and storage. That much clothing. Anyway, just because I'm getting older doesn't mean that I am turning in all of my old clothes for some frumpy frocks, but as my mom pointed out, nice clothes are an investment and can be worn in many ways. My mother is much for fashionable and quality-conscious than I am. But I know that I still wear plenty of pants and tops that are well past their prime, but by some miracle still "fit" (relative term) and haven't completely fallen apart yet. But they make me look sloppy, unpolished, unprofessional. I need to cull my closet and be selective about what not only fits, but flatters a thirty-year-old like me.

6. I also need to be smarter about makeup. I should mention that I've already taken a step toward improvement in this area, as I took a formal "makeup lesson" yesterday. Again, it's not just a matter of slapping stuff on, it's knowing what about me, uniquely, should be highlighted, and what should be downplayed or hidden. And how to do it all tastefully, classily, seamlessly. I have very little patience for taking time to do my makeup, hair, etc. But if I do make the time, the results are worth it. Especially as I get older, it becomes more and more imperative to take a few extra moments to put myself together.

7. Back to the personal development stuff - be more open-minded. As I have gotten older, I noticed that I'm getting a little more set in my ways. I'm glad that I've noticed this tendency because now I can confront it. While I've always been a "live and let live" person and I'd never go as far as to tell someone else what they should or should not do, I should never even silently judge anyone for being different from me. Who says I'm right and they're wrong, or that there is even a "right" or "wrong" in the matter, any way?

8. No regrets. This is probably the hardest one and I need to be honest with myself, I'll always have a few regrets. But I when I'm in the face of a decision and hemming and hawing over what to do, I want to pause to ask myself if one way or the other I will later regret not seizing an opportunity, taking a stand, making a move. It is not in my nature to be a crazy risk taker, and that's okay. It is important to stay true to myself and not pretend I'm something I'm not, but it's also important to slightly push my comfort boundaries in the name of self-improvement.

I'm not good with age so this is all quite difficult. But by keeping my resolutions in mind, I hope that my 30th year can be one of my best.

Bizarro Day

Last Tuesday was Bizarro Day at work. I have been extremely busy this week - more so than usual. But early afternoon I was aware of two male voices outside my office. I peeked out and one, the well-dressed "leader," introduced the other, as he was about to do some work on our building.

"He goes by 'Daddy' and he's going to be pressure washing your windows."

Daddy? I haven't even called my own father that since I was five. I'm not calling a random stranger 'Daddy,' I don't care what he wants to "go by."

Well, if he's pressure washing the windows, he's outside. So I don't really have to worry about what I'll be calling him, because I'll be sitting inside, in my office.

I could hear Daddy bustling about out there, and at first I was a little annoyed that they (he?) picked the middle of the workday to do such noisy work. But soon I tuned it out and became engrossed in my work.

That is, until a loud blast directly behind me sent me leaping out of my chair.

The one and only window in my office is about 28" tall by 10" wide. Very small. But Daddy was thorough and no window went unwashed. As I jumped up and looked behind me, I saw the reason for the loud noise. There was Daddy staring in at me through the window he just cleaned. Did I mention he was doing this shirtless and wearing jorts?

Daddy! Stop being so creepy!

More from Mom

Another snippet of a recent conversation with my mother:

(As I'm trying on a dress, asking for her opinion)

Mom: "I don't know if I like it. Maybe if you were wearing a push-up bra?"

Me: "I AM wearing a push-up bra..."

Mom: "Oh. That's too bad."

When did my pants split?

Today I was in Giant grocery store, the produce section to be exact, when I felt a little draft.. um... back "there." I discreetly brushed my hand to my backside and panicked. My jeans were split down the center seam. Not a little hole, I'm talking about flapping in the breeze. I already had a half-full cart of goods, so I decided to push on. I carefully continued shopping, maybe walking a little funny, and I believe the others around me were none the wiser.

Maybe I should've laid low, and that was the plan... until "We Didn't Start the Fire" came on the store's radio. I know EVERY word to that song! Well, at least I used to, I haven't heard it in a while so I may be a little rusty. But I have to say, as I belted it out walking - er, shuffling - down the grocery store aisles, I think I've still got it.

So if people didn't think the girl who has exposing her butt in the middle of the grocery store was nutso, the girl walking like she had a stick up her butt, they sure thought the girl simultaneously doing the Billy Joel impression was a little weird.

But I AM weird. Always have been. Here's another fun story that proves that I've been strange for a long time. It also takes place in a grocery store (like that segue?)

My mom recently reminded me of this story and I vaguely recall it. I became a vegetarian at a very young age (4). In the deli and meat section of our local grocery store, they had a pig in the glass display. A dead one (duh), cooked and with an apple in its mouth. One would think I would've been afraid of it, or at least grossed out, since I was avoiding eating meat at the time. No, strange-child-Lauren was OBSESSED with the pig at the grocery store. I used to ask my mom on a daily basis if we could go see it. Like, just go to LOOK at it. My mom, always a smart cookie, didn't think that was a "healthy" idea, even though I begged.

I wonder what the people who worked behind the deli counter thought about me?? The little four-year-old girl who liked to come stare at the pig. Were they disturbed? Amused? Did they look at me funny, like the people at Giant today?

The toilet paper at my parents' house

This past weekend I got to spend some much needed time with my girl friends from college, a ladies' weekend in the Poconos. My parents kindly offered to watch my dog for me and since they were along the way in my route north, I swung by and dropped him off.

Huck travels with his own bag (toys, ball, food, rain coat). I brought it all inside the house, and decided to take a potty break before I hit the road. That's when I noticed it, more like remembered it - my parents have really NICE toilet paper.

The toilet paper is super soft and feels strong like woven cloth. That, of course, is because my parents don't shop like I do. Naturally they consider price particularly on the larger ticket items, but they aren't on the same level of "bargain shopper" that I am.

When I was first on my own my default was to purchase what my parents always bought for products needed around the house. Bounty paper towels, All fabric detergent, Windex glass cleaner, Cascade dish detergent. But then I started paying attention to the prices and, consequently, the store brands. Knock-offs, generic, off-brands. I could save so much money by purchasing "less than the best;" it was still good enough for me.

It's not like I'm using sand paper in place of toilet paper, that's just silly. It would probably actually be more expensive to do that. With time I barely noticed what I was missing. That is, until I went to my parents' house and needed a quick pee break, now I'm ruined.

Is it bad that I thought about stashing a roll or two in my purse to take home? Just kidding...

Neti-Update

Because I know you have all been on the edges of your seats, wondering, "how is the neti-pot going for Lauren now???" I chronicled my initial neti-journeys a few weeks ago and with that, I got you hooked. You've probably been checking this blog daily, no several times a day, hoping and praying for neti-news.

Ask and ye shall receive.

In my excitement over my new "toy," I might have been a little carried away. I lamented in my earlier blog post that when I used my neti-pot, the water sometimes ran into my mouth, rather than smoothly in one nostril and out the other. I now believe this is because I was pouring the water out of my neti-pot too quickly. There was nowhere for the deluge to go, but out my mouth. After a little trial and error I learned the perfect technique. I still believe that my nasal passages are smaller/narrower than normal, so I need to apply an even lighter hand than most when using my neti-pot.

So now I've got the neti-pot down to a fine art. I could teach lessons, really...

Oh, the irony (of the Amish)

The irony of the following story was lost on me when it originally happened, but when I visited my parents' house for the holidays I finally caught on. And laughed.

When my family moved from Arizona to Pennsylvania, we downsized pretty significantly. Additionally, the theme of our home decoration style in AZ was very southwestern, which really wasn't appropriate in central PA.

So during the cross-country move we packed up many of our goods, but left behind furniture and most of our home decor.

When we arrived in PA, ready to redecorate, we were disappointed by the lack of shopping options. It was before the time of Ikea, but that was no matter - our options were Wal-Mart and... well, just Wal-Mart.

We were good sports about moving to the sticks, but we weren't about to furnish our new home in tacky roll-back home goods. Somehow we got a tip on a great source for an entertainment center for our living room - the Amish.

What do the Amish know about TV entertainment centers?? Well, we entrusted an older Amish gentleman (I don't remember his name so let's just call him "Weird Al") to construct a lovely wooden masterpiece to house our television, VCR (this was before the days of DVD players), stereo and tapes/cassettes/CDs/etc. And even though that was almost 18 years ago, the entertainment center is still going strong, proudly displayed in my parents' living room.

Weird Al was definitely very Amish, but I also think he was a cheater. I mean technically, he didn't have a telephone. But how were we supposed to get in touch with him, just show up at his house every time we had a question? No, Al used the phone belonging to his non-Amish neighbor. He did so on the regular; it was more or less Al's "home office."

Weird Al also had to, on several occasions, visit our house to take measurements. I really wanted him to arrive in his horse-drawn buggy, but no, Al went over to his neighbor's crib and called my Dad to come pick him up. In his car.

So let me get this straight, Weird Al - YOU can't drive a car, but you can get someone else to drive you around riding shotty? I am very certain that if this area of PA would have been urban enough to have cabs, Al would have had one on speed dial. On the neighbor's phone, of course.

My Neti-Pot Has Taught Me A Lot About Myself

Mainly that what I've always assumed is correct - I have very small and mostly non-functional nostrils.

Here's how I always knew this-

1. I have a poor sense of smell. You know when you're in a car with a few other people and all the sudden, all at once everyone says "ewww" and plugs their noses because you just came upon a skunk? I'm the special one who is sitting there completely oblivious. Didn't notice. If I try hard, I can detect a scent much fainter than reality.

2. By nature I'm a mouth-breather. I'll often catch myself, mouth agape. It's not just if I have a cold; it's a lifestyle.

And these two go hand-in-hand because, you guessed it, my nose doesn't work right. Mouth-breathing is just a more efficient way for me to get air. And it's not just the roadkill I can't smell, it's also the fresh-baked cookies, the Christmas tree, perfume or cologne.

If I breathe in really sharply through my nose, only my left nostril will collapse, indicating that it is bringing in air. My right nostril is almost completely non-functional - it will remain normal, round, totally unaware of the breathing goal, and there will be NO air intake on that side. It was funny the first few times I noticed this, now I worry there is some kind of blockage in there. In my mind, my left lung is normal but my right lung is shriveled up because no air enters on that side.

But the neti-pot doesn't lie. For those not familiar, I present this: http://www.himalayaninstitute.org/netipot/netipotgateway.aspx

(watch the video and thank me later)

The water goes out the neti-pot spout, into one nostril, then streams effortlessly out the other, carrying allergens and debris with it. Except when I use it.

When I use the neti-pot the water sputters and slowly dribbles out the other nostril, a couple drops at a time. Oh, but the first time used it (and still if I'm not careful) the water will actually come out my mouth. The water can't even find its way through my non-existent nasal passages! It's worse when the neti-pot is pouring into the left nostril and out of the right. That right side is just a little slow.

I'm hoping that with repeated and consistent use of my neti-pot I'll be able to "stretch" my nostrils to normal size. Before you know it I'll be able to breathe in with my mouth closed AND I'll be able to smell skunks! I can't wait.